The gift of honesty

I recently got into a random conversation online with someone I don't really know. Just one of those random chances where someone says something and it strikes a chord or hits a nerve, and you end up exchanging notes on different perspectives on the same situation.

As far as I'm concerned, this was a blog that was waiting to be written - the online random conversation served as a great catalyst.

The big questions about the practice of honesty always have been- is it always possible to be honest? Should one be honest in any/every scenario? Do the intended recipients cause blockage of honesty by their attitude and/or woolly eyed expectations of the real world? etc.

My thoughts on this - utterly based in my personal experience and point of view - are as follows.

Whether it is business or personal life, I would require honesty from others on matters that relate to myself. I also demand the same from myself, and I am happy to say, I haven't failed my principles so far.

Truth avoidance is a mighty exhausting activity: Often, it takes the same amount of effort to hide a fact as it does to state it clearly. In business situations: I'd rather know right away if I have a design flaw, or a huge bug or am about to slip my deadline significantly than find out after the fact. Finding out later usually entails greater pain given that the product may already be in the hands of the customer  or the product roll out gets significantly delayed. In personal situations, honesty becomes even more important. Truth eventually gets out and relationships suffer or, in some cases end. I don't know of a single relationship that has survived trust issues.

Truth avoidance delays solutions: Knowing as early as I can, that I indeed do have cancer, could help me kick it. Knowing about a schedule slip or a design flaw or bug at the earliest prepares a team to fix the issues satisfactorily before they get to the end user. Knowing earlier on, that the laughter I think sounds cute to others is really annoying my date (or vice versa) could move our conversation to a higher (and more promising) plane sooner.

What's the intention? Often times we speak a few little white lies here and there.
"No, that dress doesn't make you look fat".
"Yes, you sound great when you sing that note".
"I'm sure that your husband does love you even if he forgot your anniversary and decided to extend his Europe trip - by himself".

If you examine it closely, the intention to keep someone from feeling hurt often masks our own discomfort in the potential awkward situations speaking the truth can create. Sometimes the intention can be to avoid retribution. For example, children often lie to parents about events where they know they've broken the rules. Con artists lie habitually to their victims. Holding back the truth isn't always caused by noble intentions.


Oddly, all of the above reminds me of the attitude of parenting. Often times as parents, we are forced to choose a hard path - give a timeout to a three year old for instance. We dislike seeing them cry, we dislike being the "bad cop" but we know that without consequences and doing the right thing, our children won't grow up to be the individuals we know they are capable of being.

By withholding truth from someone, I'm keeping them from learning and growing. No matter how horrible the truth, the consequences of not knowing the truth and being conned over and over again, or being oblivious while everyone else passes meaningful glances or talks over your head, can hardly help the victim feel better or help themselves.

There are times when facing a hard truth head on enables the hero within to come out. Hiding the truth only brings about the feelings of self suffering martyrdom in those who'd keep it from you. Perhaps that's what *they* are seeking - to feel important and noble instead of seeing their friend/dear one battle it out with honor and self esteem.


If I have toilet paper stuck to my shoes, my friends better tell me about it. In fact, I believe I'll use that as a test of friendship and trust from here on out.

Written by: Ms. Gitanjali GulveSehgal AKA Ms. Gitanjali Gulve Sehgal AKA Ms. Gigi Sehgal Copyright © 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021, 2022, 2023 Gigi Sehgal a.k.a G G Sehgal a.k.a Gitanjali Gulve Sehgal All rights reserved.